Archive | October 2012

Weddings and Wishes

I went to a wedding tonight and was touched when the bride walked down the aisle toward her future husband. Until that moment though, as I looked around the room at the decorations and the cake, the place settings, centerpieces, the guest book and all the other things required to put a wedding together, I cringed.

I’ve had two weddings already. The first was in Jamaica to Ivy’s Dad. I wanted to forego a wedding because I was intimidated by the process. But then I felt guilty that no one could celebrate or publicly acknowledge our nuptials. So though we were married on a beach far away in the company of strangers, I still put together a reception with about 110 people when we returned home.  We were very young and on an extremely limited budget. I recall buying flowers from a Haymarket type vendor in Boston the day before, and vases from the Christmas Tree Shop. We hired a caterer who made meatballs and pasta at $6.50 a person. All I remember about that night was how stressful it was to prepare everything. On the way home my ex and I fought like crazy. I remember thinking I had made a mistake. All that work for nothing.

We chugged on for eight years and eventually, through circumstances we couldn’t fix, split up.

When I later married the second time, I wanted a big and real wedding in mansion, with a limo and real dress (not beach attire). We were in a better financial position than when I was a kid. But he said no. I wanted to honeymoon in Costa Rica. He said no. He wanted a beach honeymoon. In the end we had a micro wedding in a restaurant with about 30 people and a honeymoon on a beach.

My mother drove me so I could show up separately, still clinging to some sense of tradition. I almost threw up in the driveway and I couldn’t stop shaking. I kept thinking Why am I doing this? Is it too late to change my mind? That wedding didn’t involve as much planning but it was by no means fun. I didn’t look at my new groom with love and gratitude. I just watched him watch me, keeping me at arms’ length. When we got home  I tore my dress on a nail. I said it was a shame because I liked the dress. All he could say was something like  “Too bad you didn’t lose the weight.”  Yeah, big mistake on my part. We honeymooned on an island far away and were divorced 18 months later. I had learned to cut my losses.

And I’ve been pretty marriage resistant since. A few years ago someone asked me if I wanted to marry Mr. X (long gone) and I said “God no!” Once I said it out loud I wondered what I was doing with someone whose involvement would cause a reaction like that.

I’ve been happily legally single the last five years but lately I’m thinking that with Ryan, it would be nice to try again. When I saw the bride and groom tonight smile at each other, I could see love and innocence and respect. I didn’t see angst about the planning, or the traffic that caused some people to be late, or the upcoming hurricane that caused some people to cancel. I didn’t see a bride whose face was filled with regret, or a groom who was detached.

I saw two people legally and emotionally becoming one, in front of everyone. Though the room was full, they were alone. Just the two of them, smiling and happy.

Someday, with Ryan, that’s the kind of wedding I want. (hypothetically, I mean, we’re not engaged). It doesn’t matter to me if there are 100 people in a hall or just a few of us in an Elvis Chapel in Vegas. No matter the venue or the amount of guests,  I know it’ll just be the two of us in our hearts and in the room, finally getting it right.

Here’s to weddings and wishes.

Carly G

To learn more about the real Carly G. please CLICK HERE. 

Rainy Days

A year ago I couldn’t stop talking to everyone who would listen about this guy from California who I was just friends with, but whose emails brightened my day. He’d become my new best friend even though we hadn’t met. My pals saw through it. A week later he and I cemented things, moved to phone calls, and conceded that indeed we were destined for something much bigger. It’s been a romantic whirlwind of fun and happiness.

About a month ago I ran into a woman I hadn’t seen in some time and updated her about Ryan, and our long distance relationship. She said, “Isn’t that really hard, only seeing him every couple of months?” I replied that no, it was fine. It was all we knew so it was manageable, sometimes lonelier than others, but overall not so bad.

I need to retract that now. Missing him has suddenly become difficult, every single day. The fact we’ve had almost 20 straight days of gray skies and/or rain since he left doesn’t help.

I believe his last visit caused this new closeness and hence this melancholy.

Ryan came out for a visit three weeks ago. On its surface it was like all our visits, where we visited tourist hot spots and ate out  a lot. This time though we spent a whole week together here in Massachusetts. It’s always harder when he comes here because there are the trappings of my everyday life that aren’t present in Simi Valley.

This time for example I had to work one of the days for an end of the month crunch. I worked from my room, pets at my side, radio blasting. Ryan was on his own and I was in get-something-done mode.

I remained locked in that hyperactive mode for most of the visit. I confess I’m like that a good portion of the time. Ryan is thankfully more laid back. I also had a ton of homework for an accounting class I am taking so was overwhelmed and spent too much time hovering over my textbook, utterly confused.

In addition, I didn’t get enough sleep for most of the trip because Ryan needs less than I do. I was hoping he’d feel the time difference and sleep till a normal hour. But no, he was up at 6am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I was not. To say I was cranky was probably an understatement.

We also dealt with car conflict and teenage angst more than I would have liked. Ivy now has her license and usually drops me at the train station and takes the car to school for the day. We needed transportation so she had to take the school bus.

From a pet standpoint, Lily was her messy, restless puppy self. “When I was young and had a dog…” Ryan said, and regaled me with  how dogs used to be housebroken and blahblahblah.

Ryan decided to start a publishing company featuring me as his main and only author until he gets up and running and takes on more clients. In the past months he’d created some terrific book covers for stories I’ve put up on Kindle. But now we’re working on my first adult novel. It’s a suspense thriller and I’m quite excited. He read it on the day I had to work. He liked it. Good. He pointed out a few small things. Also good, and helpful. But I’m a writer and hypersensitive so valid or not, every criticism stings a little until I work through it, fix it, and get praise again. We went back and forth on some minor corrections which showed me a dynamic with him I hadn’t seen before.

The week was more real than all the other visits. We got on each other’s nerves a bit but it felt natural and comfortable. When I dropped him off at the airport all I could think of was how tired I was. But then after a nice long nap, all I could think of was how much I missed him.

I’m going out there early November which is a relief because I think this year, more than any other, the gray skies and daily rain are getting to me. I need some sunshine and need to see Ryan again.

Carly G

For more information on the woman behind Carly, visit her WEBSITE HERE.