It’s been well over a year since I blogged here, and figured I’d check in. Ryan and I bought the house we were renting, so the frugality worked wonders. We then spent the last year pouring money into it to fix all the things that made it so “cheap” to start with. Cheap is a relative term as this is southern California. But it was what we could afford and we feel like we got a steal. The house is adorable and filled with wonderful finds from thrift and antique stores. We have a true “home” where we can settle down and live happily ever after.
Ryan is good too and it’s hard to believe it’s been almost six years since we starting “talking.” But that’s all a status update and laundry list, to catch everyone up.
The biggest thing that has changed is that Ivy has suddenly grown up. It’s odd, not talking to her everyday. I’ve gotten so I’m not overcome with sadness when she doesn’t call, and don’t dwell on it. I can go a full three days of silence before I break down and text messages like, “You’re okay right, not in a ditch?” And she will reply that she’s fine which is her cue to send me a few texts or call to fill me in on whatever is going on with her which seems to be also relatively peaceful.
It’s the end of her third year not living with me/us and it’s taken me this long to finally be okay with it. I’ve always been proud of her for moving out, and have understood this is what happens, the natural occurrence of things. But I haven’t liked it. I spent the better part of the last almost three years being worried for her.
I remember being in the hospital after she was born. She was swaddled, on the bed with me, just a day or two old. I had this horrible sad, sinking feeling that now that she was on the outside I couldn’t protect her anymore. As a mother, sure, I would cling to her as much as I could while allowing her to breathe, but once they’re out, and in this big world, it’s daunting.
Ivy’s first two years of college, I think it’s fair to say, were difficult. She had some good moments, but there was so much angst for her, and for me who was like ET and feeling all her pain. Many a time I wanted to go to school, pick her up, and make her move home, where I could coddle and take care of her. She said no. I guess my first couple of years away from home were hard, in different ways. And maybe that was hard on my mother.
But it appears the worst has passed, and like me, she has gotten used to the sunshine and the chipper, chill attitude of the people here. She doesn’t call me all the time to fix her problems. If she has them she fixes them herself, or works through them with her boyfriend. We’ve seen more of the two of them lately and it’s odd to have two young adults over for a meal or a visit, and just catch up and say hello. I’ll call her boyfriend Trevor since no one has their real names on this blog.
I don’t think I’ve seen Ivy this animated and “herself” since she was in middle school. She seems emotionally lighter, not so bogged down by life.
I blame myself for that life heaviness, for staying with hubby #2 for too long and letting him damage our self-esteem. For dating Rebound guys, for being impulsive. I did the best I could as a mother, but I assume that if I’d provided a solid father role model, it may have avoided some of her pain. It certainly would have helped avoid some of mine.
Now that I have Ryan though, and am settled, and she has Trevor, and is settled, the world is finally calm and breezy and nice. Not crazy, manic, frenetic, like when I was in my twenties, but nice. Ivy will still have a lot to get through with finishing school, getting a job, and all the other adult milestones she will face, but she is well on her way and that makes me about as content as a fat dog in a barrel of beef jerky.
Signing off for now-